Lucy...This ees Ree-diculus

This day started out like any other. You wake up, drag yourself to the coffeemaker and get the lifeblood flowing. Then stumble to the bathroom for the morning hello. Then you realize that yes...I did buy a car last night. Not a new one, mind you-a 1998 Volkswagen Jetta with 127,000 miles on it. I wouldn't have bought a high mileage car like this except for the fact that I knew the owner. Friend and co-worker Tim is as anal a guy about maintaining a car as they come. The VW is in immaculate condition, and has a new transmission! I got a great deal on the car as Tim had already picked up his new Lexus and needed to unload the Jetta for more than the car dealer was willing to offer. Enter me.
I rode over to Tim's place in Red Bank, about 17 miles, to get the car. Tim wanted to give me the once over on the car, showing me everything from the spare tire location to how the rear seats fold down. He had detailed the car and filled up the tank for me and I was extremely happy with the purchase.
Since the VW is a straight drive, I took my time picking up the clutch nuances that anyone who's ever driven a straight drive can attest to. I retrieved the car at 8PM last night and was afforded an opportunity to check out it's night features (high beams, instrument panel lights, etc.). I was pleasantly surprised with the pep of the small four-cylinder as I hit 90mph on the interstate quite easily. Soon, I was at home forcing Laura to come out and see the new ride.
Work has been strange lately, business all but vanishing one week only to roar in the next week to a level almost unmanageable. This has been a roaring week. We were booked at 9:45 this morning to shoot another episode of On The Street, this one with a twist. The Muscular Dystrophy Association had invited our show host, the lovely Giovanna, to be “arrested” and raise “bail” to get her out of jail. A great charity, a worthy cause, and they wanted to include Giovanna since her popularity around Columbia is growing by leaps and bounds. The “detainees” were to be held in a makeshift cell at O'Charley's on Harbison in Columbia. Andy, our production coordinator, thought that it would be really cool if we staged an O.T.S. and shot it like an episode of COPS. I would ride in the police car with their POV camera, Andy would be shooting the open of the show with Gio. We would combine the two angles and add some “Bad Boys' type music to the piece, follow Gio and the cops as they arrest her, put her in the squad car and drive her to O'Charley's where they would “book” her and she would call friends and businesses for help in bailing her out. We had secured all the clearances that we needed and were ready to roll.
I arrived at the location, a Publix store across the lot from O'Charley's. As I was pulling into the lot I noticed blue lights behind me. Shit, I'm being pulled! I turned into the O'Charley's lot and stopped. Then I saw more flashing blues – hell I have two cops pulling me! What could I have done that was so wrong that it took double the law to contain me? As the young policeman approached the drivers side window, I spied the other lawman, er, I mean law person of color standing just behind the passenger side door. I had already gathered my bill of sale, the signed title and the paperwork for the DMV since I was sure that they were going to bring up the fact that there was no tag on the car. This, it seems, was the only issue. The young officer asked about the missing tag and I handed him the paperwork while explaining to him that I had picked the car up at 8PM last night, I didn't have time to hit the DMV this morning before work but would have a tag by lunchtime. He took my license and all the paperwork and went to the squad car to radio me in. Time: 9:32AM.
At 9:45 I called Giovanna to tell her of my fate. “Hell Gio”, I said. “We could almost shoot a real episode of COPS with me as the half-drunk trash. Should I take off my shirt?” Ha ha ha..ha ha. “Oh I see you”, says Gio. “Why do you have two cops? I thought that they were only sending one?”
About this time Gio pulled up next to me and rolled down the window. “They're early”, she says.
“No', I replied. “They pulled me because I have no tag”.
“MOVE ALONG” shouted the officer of color. She was standing outside the male officer's squad car awaiting, I assumed, word from HQ that the car was not reported stolen. Gio looked at her as if to say “huh?” when the officer yells “YOU HAVE TO MOVE”. Gio looked at me, shrugged shoulders and did a U turn in the parking lot. She stopped next to the squad car and, with her glorious smile and playful eyes, said to the officers “that's my boss – give him as many tickets as you can” Ha ha ha..ha ha. They paid no attention to her-she moved along. Time: 9:51
Still awaiting my fate, and the engine still running, I looked to the cop outside the squad car for some answer to this simple non-dilemma. She was no help as she kept looking away when we would make eye contact. This went on for several minutes until I gave up on that. I called Andy to crack the same joke about shooting the real COPS episode but Gio had reached him by then and filled him in on what was happening. After I hung up with Andy I see the cop slowly emerge from his car and head my way. His backup made her way around to the passenger side to resume her backup stance. Officer “B”, we'll call him, proceeds to hand over my paperwork and my drivers license. As he hands me the title, he includes a citation, a ticket – not a warning! A ticket which had the outrageous fine of $232.50 for no license tag! Maybe they had paid attention to Gio after all....hmmmmm. Time: 10am
I say to Officer B “You gotta be kidding!”. He proceeds to explain to me that one cannot drive a car with no license plate...it's against the law. Then he tells me to call and find a ride as I will be parking the car and not driving it until it has a plate on it's rear end. “Don't I have 45 days to apply for a tag?” I ask. “Go park the car”, he says. "If I see you driving it before you get a plate I'll ticket you”.
Fettered, I drive the car to the Publix lot and park next to Andy and Gio. Needless to say, I am highly pissed! Trying to put the episode behind me, and vowing to fight it in court, we proceeded with our shoot. While Andy and Gio were shooting the open I walked down to O'Charley's to meet my police escort. As I entered the front door, lo and behold who should be standing there but Officer B. I had my camera in my hand and was greeted by Eric, the MDA rep. First, he points to the cop and says “introduce yourselves” to us. “We've met” I reply. Officer B grinned and shook his head as if to say “oh shit”. “Yes, I am your camera guy this morning”, I said, looking around for his partner, who was in the ladies room. At this point Eric approaches and informs me that O'Charley's corporate will not allow us to shoot in the restaurant. “But the cell is setup in here, the phone bank – everything is happening inside” I said. “Sorry” was all he could say.
Well, ain't this just a big ole crock of shit! Making my way back across to the Publix, I tell Gio and Andy about the location change and we try and figure how we can shoot a lockup scene with no lockup, or a bail-me-out-by-phone scene without the phones. Since this was not a paid gig, and since the host charity had thrown us this impossible curve, we decided to cancel the shoot. Gio would still be 'arrested' and raise money for the charity but without doing a show around it. We go back over to O'Charley's to tell the cops that we would not need their services. They seemed to think that we canceled the episode because of the ticket. Not so-that's another battle for another day. Officer B, seemingly embarrassed, began to tell me if I took my new tag to court that the judge would probably waive the fine. I asked the good officer if he would show up on my behalf, but received no definitive answer from him there.
I had to hitch a ride back to the station with Andy, leaving the VW parked on Harbison. Thank God I had left my old car downtown in the parking garage. I picked it up, drove to the DMV and got my registration. Since I was transferring the old tag to the VW, I had to then drive to Newberry (in the pouring rain), go to the house and park the Chevy, remove the tag (in the pouring rain), take the truck back down to Columbia, attach the tag to the VW (in the pouring rain), pick Laura up at the mall in the truck, drive back down to Publix and get the VW and follow her home(in the pouring rain). In addition to all this (as well as missing a half day of work), I have to go to court on December 23 and appear before a judge (missing another half day of work) and hope that he reduces this ridiculous fine. Isn't there supposed to be a modicum of common sense applied to our laws? Damn...I'm still pissed!