Jack - "So it's 4 in the morning, New Years Day. I'm sitting at a red light, minding my own damn business, and I seed it coming!"
Larry - "Jack, could you describe the accident for me?"
Jack - "Like I says, minding my own damn business when I see this guy freaking' flying towards the intersection! He hits the car stopped at the light in the oncoming lane, who proceeds to fly across the median and crashes into me!"
Larry - "Wow Jack, are you alright?"
Jack - Neck and back been bothering me…I'm going to the hospital soon as I get off the phone with you".
Larry - "Jack, could you describe the damage to your vehicle?"
Jack - "Now wait a minute Larry - let me finish telling you! The guy who hits the other car that hits me-he takes off, you know? Just like he ain't done a damn thing! just takes off and the police, they catch up to him cause they seen the whole thing! Stop him a couple blocks away. The man is so drunk, the have to carry him to the police car! Then, they gets to the guy who hits me - he drunk too! They haul his ass in, even though he couldn't help being slammed into me! I guess he shouldn't a been driving drunk!"
Larry - "Jack, can I get a description of the damage to your vehicle?"
Jack - "Don't be in no damn hurry Larry! They's plenty more to the story!"
Larry - "Jack, I'd love to sit down one day and go over the entire, nasty incident, but I need to get this information - could you describe the damage to your vehicle?"
Jack - "That bastard that slammed into me, he was messed up! Had to go to the hospital! Messed him up but good!" Messed his car up too!"
Larry - "Sorry to hear that Jack. Now-the damage to your vehicle?"
Jack - "Oh yeah, the damage to my car. Messed up my new rim! Front driver side rim. Just got 'em for Christmas too!"
Larry - "The front driver side rim? What else Jack?"
Jack - "Oh that was all. Just the rim got some scratches on it. Larry, will this make my insurance go up? Wait, Larry - I need to call you back. The ambulance is here to take me to the ER".
Another report contains the following:
Accident Location: Piggly Wiggly parking lot.
Accident Description: IV (insured vehicle) was parked in a parking space when CV (claimant vehicle) backed into IV.
Vehicle Damage Description: IV - No damage - CV - Scratches to bumper.
Injuries: IV 1(driver) - back and neck; IV 2(passenger) - back and neck; IV 3(passenger) - back and neck; IV 4(passenger - 2 years old) - back and neck; IV 5(passenger) - back and neck and mental anguish.
Mental anguish indeed!
It's no wonder insurance rates in the country are so high! One of my favorites thus far goes a little something like this:
Larry - "Thank you for calling the new claims department, this is Larry - how may I help you?"
Guy - "I just had an accident" (Sound of glass clinking in the background).
Larry - "Are you alright?"
Guy - "I don't know yet. Just happened. (Then the caller starts arguing with someone) I don't know what happened! Mind your own business! What? What you say? I'll crawl outta this car and kick your..
Larry - "Sir, why don't you call back when things settle a bit - we're here 24-7"
Guy - "Alright Larry - I'll call back".
About 15 minutes later.
Larry - "Thank you for calling the new claims department, this is Larry - how may I help you?"
Guy - "I need to report an accident"
Larry - "Can I get your name and number please?"
Guy - "Well, my cousin called awhile ago and…(heard in the background "Sir, are we going to transport you or not?" We have other accidents to get to). Caller - "Wait a minute man! I'm on the phone with my insurance!"
Larry - "Sir, why don't you take care of the EMT first and call us back - we're here 24-7.
Caller - "Okay, we'll call you back"
They called back about 40 minutes later from the ER.
Now, while I am licensed to sell life, accident and health insurance in SC, I'm still a relative newcomer to this game. And I have been in a couple of accidents in my day. A hard landing on the pavement following a motorcycle accident when I was 20 and a kid pulled out in front of me; and a one car accident in which I slammed on brakes to avoid a stalled car in the road, throwing the rear end of my 1967 Chevy Imapala into a telephone pole - I must admit that the last thing on my mind following those two incidents was to call the insurance company. The cops? - Yes! An ambulance? - If needed! A close relative? - Definitely! The insurance company? - Maybe tomorrow!
Last but not least, my most favorite call. Taken from a father in the mountains of north Georgia. I swear, this guy sounded just like Richard Pryor doing his impression of the old man relating the 'Toodlem' character from one of his albums!
Larry - "Thank you for calling the new claims department, this is Larry - how may I help you?"
Man - "I need to report a claim"
Larry - "May I please get your name and number?"
Man - "Well, it's for my son".
Larry - "Is your son our insured?"
Man - "Oh hell no! He ain't got shit! Do you bwoi? You ain't got a damn thang without me signing for ya, with your sorry-ass".
Larry - "So you are our insured?"
Man - "Yeah, I reckon".
Larry - "May I have your policy number?"
Man - "Bwoi-read that damned number to me! No, stupid - the one on the top - sorry ass! Wait! Why am I on the phone? You had the wreck, sorry assed, no driving piece of shit! Bwoi, where was your head when I was teaching you to drive? I'll tell you where! Up yo ass! Where it still is today! Hit a house! House been there all these years and you knowed it! You been passing that house since you was born! House ain't new! Been sitting there all this time and you run into it like somebody just up and moved it there last night! Stupid ass bwoi! Here-you talk to the man!"
I took the young man's claim.
After his dad was out of hearing range the guy says "Old man drunk today. Teach me to drive? More like I was driving his drunk ass back to the liquor store before it closed. Been driving his drunk ass since I was 12! And that house? Yeah, I knew it was there. If that old shit had put new tires on that piece of shit car he sent me to the liquor store in, I wouldn't had a blowout, lost control and hit that house, which, by the freaking' way. ain't three feet from the damn road!"
Oy veh!
1 comment:
Hahahahahaha!!! Awesome stories, Larry!
Back in the mid-1980s, between university semesters (actually, between university years), I got a job at an insurance agency. It was pure nepotism - a close relative was one of the business owners. The firm had just retired their fleet of Wang computers (you remember those, right?) and were wanting to put all their homeowner, tenant, and auto policy renewals into their new online system. ("Closed online" system, really - our office machines were in constant contact with a mainframe in Toronto - it was 1986, after all - but it was called online at the time anyway.) So, I was one of a few students hired to enter the renewal info for every policy coming due over the summer, as a way of getting the project started.
(My take-home pay was $305.44 biweekly, which I thought was pretty good money. But that's another story.)
Anyway, in the course of doing my job, I got to read some of the most hilarious, eye-rolling, weird and unbelievable stories of how accidents came to pass, and other correspondence. Among my favourites was an awkward letter from the president of the firm (not my relative) to a then-high-ranking regional politician. It was known that these two guys - the insurance exec and the rather-corrupt-but-normal-for-the-place-and-the-era politico - were as thick as thieves. The awkwardness came from the subject of the letter: a substantial mid-year hike in the politician's auto insurance premium due to his daughter's driving habits. She would have been about 23 or 25 years of age back then, and she had not been nice to her daddy's car(s):
- backed into a parked car while exiting their driveway
- drifted over the yellow center line on a busy city street and sideswiped an oncoming car (basically just missed a catastrophic head-on collision)
- parking lot fender bender
- collision at an intersection with another car which actually had the right of way
...etc., all in the course of one year. I had been given orders to keep my eyes and ears shut, of course, so I kept this to myself. But knowing who the client was made it funny.
But my favourite had to be this notation in a well-to-do client's claim file:
"Insured and his wife collided head-on in their driveway (each blaming the other). No injuries. Damage to front of both insured vehicles."
To this day, it still makes me laugh.
Hope y'all are well, guys.
References:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd/Wang2200.png
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