The Worst Songs in the History of Mankind. Part 1

Today we foray into the underbrush of popular music in search of the worst songs in the history of mankind. A target rich environment indeed. Of course my method is subjective prattle. It very well could be that songs I find dreadful, some dear reader may find toe tapping terrific. For instance, I find the gravelly twang of Bonnie Tyler nearly suicide inducing. But, out there somewhere, some deluded soul with ears of tin may have fond memories of Dame Bonnie warbling an ear splitting rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart. To each his own poison I always say. So let's dive in shall we:

Sugar Sugar by the Archies: The song came from the insipid Saturday morning cartoon show which was spun off of the popular Archie comic book series . How lame is that? At least The Monkeys, as prefab as they were, were real people (even though only one or two of them could actually play an instrument). The people responsible for S.S are probably in witness protection or somewhere. Or at least they should be.

As a boy I eagerly awaited each new edition of Archie; it was pretty tame stuff. The comic book evolved around the shenanigans of Riverdale teenagers Jughead, Reggie, Veronica, Betty and of course, Archie. But the release of Sugar, Sugar rendered reading the comic book totally uncool. A cartoon group made up of the Archie characters gyrating stiffly to this pop abomination was the death nail for me. This turkey actually hit number 1 in 1969, further illustrating the drug addled state of the peace and love generation. By the time S.S was released I had already heard Sgt. Peppers, and Tommy had just been released. Sugar, Sugar; yeah, right.

Ah Sugar
Ah Honey Honey
You are my candy girl
and you got me wanting you

The rock bottom of bubblegum music I would say. I haven't actually heard S.S. in years, and I'm hoping my luck continues to hold out. I even resisted listening to it when I made this link. But for those with really crappy taste or total tone deafness, Sugar, Sugar may just be your cup of tea.

Things I'd rather do than hear Sugar, Sugar ever again: Eat six bars of Ex-lax just after having consumed a table spoon of ground glass.


Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes.

Wrist slitting material extraordinaire. The song itself is about a fellow's pitiful attempt to' get some on the side by scouring the lonely hearts section of his local newspaper. Even going so far as to pen a sappy response while his wife/"old lady" lay sleeping in bed next to him. The following words are what shook this guy from his tedium:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

Now, we all know how this kind of dalliance usually ends: either with a raging case of chlamydia, a messy divorce or, at the very least, your kid's pet rabbit boiling on the stove while your ex is burning your clothes in the back yard. But of course, the ironic twist revealed in the stanzas below sent Escape soaring up the charts. A plausible scenario? Not in this world. But I have known guys to marry and divorce the same woman more than once. Which proves that anything is possible with love/sex/lust/insanity; even something as vacuous as this:

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew".

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Truly one of the all time wretch worthy songs ever perpetrated on the listening public. The writer of this one hit wonder is Rupert Holmes. His website credits him with a varied career in recording, film and stage. If only Rupert could have stuck with Broadway. E-TPCS was number 1 in 1979. Further evidence of the drug addled children of the peace and love generation.

Note: Holmes also killed us with this effort. As if E-TPCS wasn't torturous enough.


Things I'd rather do than hear Escape (The Pina Colada Song) ever again: Shave my entire body with a dull razor and immediately take a bath in a tub filled with rubbing alcohol.

So I'll conclude my broadside by encouraging readers and resident bloggers to send in their cringe worthy suggestions for worst songs ever recorded in the history of mankind. Send your nominations to larrydurham76@gmail.com and please include "worst songs" in the subject line. Or simply leave a comment at the end of this post. If you are (were) a big fan of The Archies or Rupert Holmes my deepest apologies...but The Pina Colada Song still blows. To be continued. Hi Ho.